Be Emily

One of the biggest tenants of The Happiness Project book, was to be yourself. The author constantly was reminding herself she just needed to be herself, do her thing. Well here’s a confession. I have no idea who I am. I spent most of my life trying to make other people happy and make friends that I’ve never really felt like I knew who I was. I am super pale and have a visiion problem and so I think I’ve always been too afraid to be myself because I already stood out enough as it was.

Over the last few months I have come to realize though, that I want a baby. Bad. i want a family. I am probably romanticizing it but I really, truly, want to start my family. A few months ago I went off birth control and added short term disability coverage at work. Basically that protects me from having to go on maternity leave without pay.

I find myself being held up by what other people will think. My husband and I are definitely going to “try” this cycle. I am current on the 2nd day of my cycle, and we are hoping that either this cycle or next I will get pregnant. I know it’s not realistic to think it can happen in two cycles but I’d love to have a baby in October and November so I am praying. I have been so much trying to focus on God and hearing His message, and just praying that if it is meant to be I will be a mommy in 2014.

I am only 24 (I’ll be 25 next month), and I feel as though my parents aren’t ready for me to have kids yet. And here’s the thing, that shouldn’t have any bearing on what I want, but it does. I love my parents, and I want to always make them happy, and so I worry that if I have kids before they’re ready, that on some level they will be disappointed in me.

My parents have never been the type who were excited by those milestones in their children’s lives. They weren’t excited when I had my first boyfriend, or when I announced (at the age of 20) that I was engaged. I think by the time I was 23 and got around to having my wedding they were happy- but it felt forced on some level to me.

My sister is four years older than me. She hasn’t had much luck in the dating world. About a month before I got engaged her and her boyfriend of about 3 years broke up. I think in some ways my family is still grieving (five years later) for her and that loss. But at the same time, we have to move on. Just because I’ve gotten married before my big sister and will (God willing) have children before her, doesn’t mean that we should all go around walking on egg shells.

I still can’t help but feel as though this would be so much easier if I wasn’t upsetting the natural order of things. My sister should have gotten married and had kids first, and if all of that had happened it would be so much easier on me. The truth is I’m scared. I’m scared I’ll be pregnant and won’t feel the excitement from my family. I’m scared that it will hurt. I’m scared that I’ll always remember it.

When I got engaged I remember how happy I was for myself, but it was shadowed by the fact that I knew my “best friend” would be supremely jealous and wouldn’t actually be happy for me. I still remember that, even more than 4 years later. I just don’t want something like that to happen with my pregnancy too.

I think I am ready to be a mom. I still have a lot of learning to do in life. But I am ready to experience pregnancy, and growing a little baby inside me. I am ready to learn the patience that only motherhood can teach. I am ready to get up at three in the morning and nurse my baby quietly in the dark. I am ready for the dark circles that tell the world I was up all night nurturing a life that might some day cure cancer. I am ready to teach my baby to view the world as a blank canvas. I am ready to cultivate a love for life. I am ready to teach a little girl how to tie her hair up in bows, or a little boy how to make racetracks. I am ready to read to my little darling every night before bed. I am ready to look my husband in the eye, and proudly say, “We made that.” I am.

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