Are you there God, it’s me Emily?

Growing up my mom brought my sister and I to the Catholic Church (Dad came too, but only because he loves my mom that much!). On Sunday’s we attended “CCD”, which stood for something, but was pretty much Sunday School, really long Sunday School. I went because Mom made me and in 7th grade she stopped making me, so I stopped going. We never really talked about God in our family. We said our prayers at Sunday dinner but I feel like that was the extent of it.

In 9th grade my friend Cindy called and said, “Hey- you should come to youth group with me.” I’m pretty sure somebody put her up to it, but that’s how God works isn’t it? I was pretty active in the church and youth group from 9th through 11th grade, and then when my friends graduated and headed off to college my attendance dwindled. I do believe that church, like home, is where the heart is and without those friends the church didn’t feel the same.

When I met my husband around the end of my freshman year of college it turned out that he was active in the same church I had been in high school, he’d just come in right as I was finishing up there. Church was important to him so after I graduated college and we moved in together I started going to church with him again. But I’ve never really feel anything.

Fast forward to the last few months. I’ve been watching Nikki Phillippi and Rachel Talbott on youtube (Click their names for links to their videos)- and every time I watch their videos I am so astounded by their absolute faith and belief. I don’t understand, how do people reach the point where when someone asks “What’s the most important thing in your life?” they answer “My relationship with God.” so naturally? What am I missing? How do they have so much passion?

I’ve been working on finding happiness and I think a lot of finding happiness and letting go of worry is finding a feeling of safety in God’s arms but I just don’t feel anything, and I feel like I try. I go to church on Sundays because I want to not because I should. Hubby and I are even serving communion at some of the up coming services. I love that feeling when I come out of the gym after a good work-out, or especially after yoga, and a great song comes on K-Love (I’d say that they play “worship” music). So why don’t I feel anything more? Does anyone have any advice for me?


5 thoughts on “Are you there God, it’s me Emily?

  1. I have advice, but it might not be quite what you were hoping for. I’m not sure whether your lack of feeling God’s love is actually because you don’t have faith in his existence, or because you simply just don’t feel it. My advice is not to worry about it. Some people are incredibly passionate about their religion and most others aren’t. Many people are just happy in their faith that God exists and don’t need for it to be anything more. There can be so much pressure from outside sources in regards to everything we do with our lives – you must go to college, you must get a ‘proper job’, you must aim to own a home by 30, you must be thin etc – and we fall into the trap of thinking that because someone says we must, then we must. Just because other people find passion in their relationship with God, doesn’t mean that you have to, nor does it mean you’re a ‘worse’ Christian. Church is clearly important to you, so don’t diminish that importance because someone else does it differently.

    • I really appreciate your comment. I think there is a part of me that has trouble fully fully believing. I try- but I think sometimes I fail. And maybe you’re right and that’s why I’m not feeling it. Thank you for your honesty.

      • Thanks okay. I come from a half Christian, half Jewish family and am an atheist myself. So I’ve grown up talking through this stuff. It’s a confusing path for many.

  2. I say…stop trying to feel it. Just go and enjoy it without analyzing your reactions to it. Once you let your guard down to yourself you might find what you’re looking for. At least that’s how it works for me :). I do hope you find it!

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